"Rip's Carousel" (Reinventing the Wheel)

Director Diane Paulus is reinterpreting Porgy and Bess, the 1945 Gershwin opera, in an upcoming Broadway theater production of the work that she plans to call The Gershwins' Porgy and Bess.  If I understand it correctly, she is keeping most of the music but is shortening the piece and adapting it to make the characters more multi-dimensional and accessible to today’s audiences (in her opinion).  She is doing so with the full blessings of the estates of George Gershwin, Ira Gershwin, and DuBose Heyward, who co-wrote the lyrics with Ira and was the author of the novel Porgy upon which the original opera was based. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/07/theater/porgy-and-bess-with-audra-mcdonald.html?pagewanted=3&_r=1
No big deal, right? Not only is it the prerogative of a director to interpret a work, isn’t updating and reinterpreting classic works (even sometimes opera) all the rage on Broadway? One has to imagine that when writing “Rent” that Jonathan Larsen veered much further from Puccini’s La Boheme than Paulus is straying from the original Porgy and Bess.

Ah, but the “purists,” including no less than Stephen Sondheim himself, have risen up to condemn Paulus, her interpretation, and her viewpoints. http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/08/10/stephen-sondheim-takes-issue-with-plan-for-revamped-porgy-and-bess/?hpw  My first thought was "What does Sondheim care?" He has allowed several drastic reinterpretations of his own works (e.g. Sweeney Todd, Company) in recent years. Of course, he is entitled to his opinion, just as Paulus is entitled to hers.

I pretty much love everything the Gershwins ever wrote, and I am not familiar enough with Porgy and Bess in its entirety to have a personal opinion about whether the work needs to be reinterpreted. I can tell you that there are musicals that I would re-write in a heartbeat, given the chance.

Let’s examine Carousel by Rodgers and Hammerstein for just a second, shall we? I loathe the book of this show, and let me tell you why. (SPOILER ALERT- the rest of this blog reveals most of the plot of “Carousel.”)

Okay, so Carousel is about Billy Bigelow, a carnival worker, who takes up with sweet-young-thing Julie Jordan. He marries her, loses his job, beats her because he is frustrated that he is unemployed, gets her pregnant, and then dies while committing a burglary so that he can feed the family. A series of bad choices, if you ask me. Inexplicably, Billy is not sent straight to Hell when he dies, but instead spends 15 years in purgatory.

Then an angel sends him down to earth to redeem himself by helping his troubled 15-year-old daughter, Louise. He talks to her for a while, and THEN smacks her. Julie tells her daughter, and this is a quote: "Sometimes a hit is just like a kiss." This somehow turns Louise around, and Billy gets into heaven. It glorifies domestic violence, and that was never acceptable, even in the 40's when it was written. It literally makes my skin crawl.

It’s a shame really, because it has a nice subplot about Carrie, Julie’s quirky best friend, and Mr. Snow, the decent (if less glamorous) fisherman she marries, and some exceptionally beautiful songs by Rodgers and Hammerstein, whose work I admire as much as I do the Gershwins. You’ll Never Walk Alone is a song I can sing by a character I could play (cousin Nettie), but I could never live with myself if I appeared in a production of Carousel as written.

This is why I would love to get my hands on Carousel. We could call it Rip’s Carousel. It wouldn’t take much to fix it. First things first, I would cut This Was a Real Nice Clambake, one of the most inane songs in all of musical theater history. “The vittles we et [sic] were good you bet.” Boy, they don’t write lyrics like that anymore. Thank goodness.

Then all I would have to change is the ending. Billy would return to earth and explain to his daughter that it is never okay for a man to hit a woman under any circumstances. He might even apologize for making her life so difficult. Julie would tell her that while she loved her father, his violent temper and abusive nature ruined her life and caused his early death, and that is why she, Louise, should never accept that kind of behavior in a man or in herself. Louise would have the guidance that would give her a fighting chance for a happy life, and Billy would go to heaven.

Then I…um, I mean Cousin Nettie…would return to the stage to lead the entire company in a rousing encore of You’ll Never Walk Alone.

Honestly, Do You Really Want the Truth?

You know that old saying, “Honesty is the best policy?” Honestly? That's such a lie.


Let me be clear that I advocate honesty in personal interactions most of the time. Honest and ethical behavior is most important, absolutely paramount, in fact, in business dealings. Furthermore, I find myself attracted to relentlessly honest people. People who just say what’s actually on their minds can be refreshing. Since they are physiologically incapable of lying, you know you can always trust them.

However, not only is telling the truth not always the best policy, it is actually sometimes a very bad idea indeed.

Take children, for example. “Children are SO honest,” people will say, as though that were a good thing. Children are not ALWAYS honest, of course. They are absolutely guileless when making observations about adults. “Gee, Mister, you have a funny voice!” they will happily announce to a gentleman upon meeting him for the first time, or they will innocently ask you why the dress you’re wearing is so ugly. However, they will lie like adorable little rugs just the minute they sense that the truth might get them into hot water. They will lie about breaking the lamp, or pulling Matilda’s hair, or not finishing their homework. Children can get away with these sorts of thing because they’re so darn cute.

Adults don’t have that luxury- we expect more from them. Those of you who think that saying what’s on your mind is always the best idea are just lying to yourselves. Being tactful in a civilized society occasionally means bending the truth or even lying outright.

Rhetorical questions rarely require a detailed, honest answer. “Hi, there, how are you?” is usually just a greeting more than an actual question, especially when exchanged with a casual acquaintance in the supermarket. The proper answer here is, “Fine.” Almost no one really wants to hear a litany of your latest ailments.

Sometimes people think they want more information but they don’t. Once, my husband and I were paying after having a perfectly adequate dining experience at a local pancake restaurant. The upbeat young man at the cash register asked, “How was everything?”

“Fine,” answered my husband.

“Is that the best we can get from you – a ‘fine’?” cajoled the clerk.

“Oh, you actually want the details of how our visit was?” asked my husband, amiably. “Okay! We waited several minutes before someone even took our drink order, and they could have refilled the coffee more often, and they kept forgetting to bring us more cream when we asked for it. The food also took a while to come out, but was very good when we got it. So, all in all, it was fine.” I could tell from the look on the cashier’s face that, in the end, he didn’t really want the whole truth.

If you are a waitress, it is an especially bad idea to apologize to your customers for the bad service you’ve been giving them by truthfully explaining that you have been suffering from a terrible stomach flu and that you’ve been “puking your guts out” all morning. This is the epitome of TMI, and, believe it or not, might cause your customers to lose their appetites and complain to your manager. Who knows? They may even avoid you and your restaurant in the future.

When commenting on someone’s appearance, even in response to a direct question, a lie is often more of a kindness than it is a deceit. There is nothing to be gained by telling someone that you really don’t like their new outfit or haircut. If someone shares with you that they FEEL like hell, they almost never want to hear that they also LOOK like hell. And, men, trust me, when a woman asks you, “Do I look fat in this outfit?” she is looking for reassurance, not the truth.

There are occasional exceptions, of course. My husband once volunteered to me that if I ever asked him if my butt looked big in these pants, he would have to say yes, but that it would be a GOOD thing. Well, when he put it that way, it was honestly pretty charming.

"Your Destination Will Be on Your Right"

It was the quintessential dark and stormy night, about 20 years ago. I had attended a production of "The Odd Couple" at Linden Hall in Dawson, PA, which is located somewhere outside Perryopolis in Fayette County. It was my first time there.


I set out for home at about 11 p.m. in a torrential downpour on unfamiliar country roads. I missed an essential turn and was now lost on the country back roads of Fayette County. I drove for miles without seeing one business of any kind where I might stop and ask for directions. As I drove I realized that I was starting to get dangerously low on gas. Cell phones existed at the time but regular folks did not have them, so I had no way of contacting anyone about this predicament.

There was nothing to do but drive and pray. I am not the type of person who prays for favors frivolously. I do not pray for good weather or that I find shoes that match my clothes. In this instance, I prayed more intensely than I ever had before that I would find a familiar road or a gas station before I ran out of gas. After about 45 minutes, I happened upon a sign leading me to the nearest highway, got to a gas station in time, and headed for home. There is no way that I had enough gas in the car to get as far as I did that night, so I am convinced my prayers were answered (it was kind of like Hanukkah).

I’d like to pretend this was an unusual occurrence, but the truth is that I’m a bit directionally challenged. The first time I go anywhere, there is a decent chance I may miss a turn on the way. Heck, I once got lost on my first visit to a large Target store. Usually, I realize quickly what happened and just turn around to get back to where I was. It certainly doesn’t ruin my day or anything. If it did, I would spend a fair number of my days in a state of wild despair because I went a mile or two out of my way.

Once in a while, though, it all goes terribly wrong like it did all those years ago in Fayette County. Just a couple of days ago, I was trying a new, presumably simple back route to work. I am still not sure where I took the wrong turn, but I ended up in Economy, PA, where I am pretty sure I’ve never been before. Again, I was in the country, with no business establishment in sight.

However, the difference this time is that I now carry a phone with me that is not only portable, but also very intelligent. My android is a very smartphone, indeed. All I had to do to get myself back on track was to pull over and type my destination address into the navigation app. The phone took care of the rest. A soothing female voice talked me back to work, telling me exactly when and where to turn (“In 500 feet, you will turn left onto Mary Reed Road”). I wasn’t far from work, but without that GPS, I might still be looking for a gas station or convenience store in Economy, perhaps never to discover that my destination would be on my right.

Technology is grand, isn’t it? Say what you will about the dangers of using your cell phone while you’re driving. In certain cases, having that cell phone in the car can save you.

If the Shoe Fits

One of the favorite annual events of my childhood, along with Christmas and my birthday, was the yearly airing of the television production of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella starring Lesley Ann Warren in the title role. Lesley Anne was just luminous, and I was entranced each time I watched her win the Prince (played by Stuart Damon).


I looked forward to seeing it all year, and my friends and I would often watch it together. We would sing along with all the songs we loved so much, envisioning ourselves being lifted from our everyday drudgery by the love of our very own Prince Charming.

My love of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella never really diminished. I still get that same warm and fuzzy feeling every time I catch a clip of Lesley Ann in the role on You Tube. So when I heard that the Robert Morris University Summer Colonial Theatre (where I like to spend my summers) was doing the show this year, I was excited. I was thrilled when I was cast as the Stepmother.

Although I am now old enough to be Cinderella’s, well, mother, I do still share one characteristic with her. It’s about our feet.

We were talking one night at rehearsal about how unusual it was that no other woman in the kingdom wore the same size shoe as Cinderella, and our director shared her theory that perhaps it wasn’t a matter of size, that perhaps Cinderella had misshapen feet. My husband immediately turned and looked at me.

Let me set one thing straight right now. I do NOT have misshapen feet. They are an unusual size, to be sure- short, with an unnaturally wide instep, a narrow heel, and a high arch. This makes it hard to find shoes that fit, but does not exactly qualify me for a circus side show or anything.

I don’t know what Cinderella did for footwear before the Fairy Godmother showed up, but for years I ran around in 8 ½ W shoes that cost $19.99 or less at one of the discount shoe chains. These shoes did not fit me, but I didn’t know that at the time because I had never experienced a shoe that fit.

My fairy godmother showed up in the form of a salesperson at Lady Foot Locker, where I went when I joined a gym and decided that I wanted a good pair of sneakers to work out in. She measured my foot and informed me, much to both our surprise, that I actually should be wearing a 7WW, which she assured me would be hard to find. They did not carry shoes that size, and so she referred me to the Easy Spirit store across the way in the mall.

The Easy Spirit sneakers I purchased that day were so comfortable that my spirit actually was easier when I had them on. I wanted to wear them every day. I began to wonder if shoes that actually fit my foot came in other styles. As it turns out, they do, and it seems that only Easy Spirit makes them.

So, I set out on a lifelong quest, with shoes that fit as my Dulcinea. Each shoe purchase is its own little scavenger hunt. First you have to find a style that comes in a 7WW, and then find a 7WW that is actually in stock. Once I started wearing loafers and pumps that fit, I discovered that my feet were slightly different sizes, which means the more adjustable the shoe and/or straps, the better. And I never could wear heels and I still can’t. However, with time and patience, I have acquired a small wardrobe of Easy Spirit shoes, suitable for all occasions.

Easy Spirit shoes have changed my life just the way that glass slipper changed Cinderella’s. Wearing shoes that fit has been a revelation to me, a luxury I never imagined would happen to me. And my feet and I are living happily ever after.

Robert Morris University’s Summer Colonial Theatre presents Rodger & Hammerstein’s Cinderella July 28 – 31 in Robert Morris University’s Massey Theatre. Curtain is at 8pm, Thursday – Saturday with a 2pm matinee on Sunday. Tickets are $10 and will be available at the door.  For more information about the show - http://www.rmu.edu/theatre

But I Won't Do That

You hear a lot lately about people and their “bucket lists” of things they must do before they die. Me, I have a list of things that I’d rather die than ever do again. I call it my “chuck it list.” 

Of course, there are things that I’ve never done that I don’t care to try. Mountain climbing, skiing, sky diving, and bungee jumping all come to mind. My “chuck it list” is made up of things I’ve tried (often more than once) and never want to experience again. My top ten things I never want to do again, in no particular order, are:

1) Washington County Fair - I was a city girl who had never even been to a county fair when I was put in charge of my organization’s food booth at the Washington County Fair one year. To say that week was a living hell is a gross understatement. Beyond the horror and utter exhaustion of that assignment, I realized that there really was nothing at a county fair that I liked to do, with the possible exception of chatting with the carnies (the quirky and off-beat folks who travel from fair to fair to run the midway rides). Nonetheless, I attended several more times when my son and his high school band performed before the School Bus Demolition Derby each year. Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up.

2) Any Body Of Water- I am a non-swimmer who hates the feeling of being in water, even in a bathtub. When I was 12 I had to be rescued by the lifeguard at a local swimming pool. At 23, I almost drowned after falling in while riding the rapids on the Youghiogheny River. You don’t have to hit me over the head more than 2 or 3 times. I can take a hint. I stay out of bodies of water now.

3) Horse Back Riding- You know that old adage about getting right back on that horse if you fall? I am here to tell you that you never have to get on a horse again after breaking your pelvis in two places when the horse you’re riding throws you, even after the nightmares stop.

4) Canton Football Hall of Fame-I once spent FIVE HOURS in this museum, because my then nine-year-old son was determined to read every word of every display in the place. That was quite enough for this lifetime.

5) Any Production Of Copacabana- I have nothing against Barry Manilow or Lola (she was a show girl), but I sat all the way through one fine , well-done production of this truly abysmal musical based on the lyrics of the song. The very thought of seeing it a second time makes me cringe.

6) A Roller Coaster- I used to ride roller coasters, within reason. But as I “matured” I lost my taste for these and most other amusement park rides. I have morphed into one of those studda bubbas who holds everyone’s stuff while sitting on the bench in the shade, eating my Sno-Cone and Potato Patch fries.

7) Grade School Spelling Bee- You would think these would be fun and happy memories, wouldn’t you? Instead, they were intense affairs, with driven 8-year-olds and anxious parents, and (in at least one case) enough trauma and angst over a misspelled word to last a lifetime.

8) A Yes Concert- Yes is a 70’s rock band that is perfectly enjoyable in concert – the first 5 or 6 times you go.

9) Confession – In my Catholic elementary school, they used to march us over to Church periodically to confess our sins. Despite being generally wracked with guilt all the time, I often couldn’t really think of anything I did that was all that wrong – I was a kid after all. I confessed to disobeying my parents and lying far more often than I actually committed those offenses, because I felt like I had to say SOMETHING when I went into the confessional booth. The last time they made us go to confession in eighth grade was the last time I went to confession.

10) Canonsburg Fourth of July Parade – Been there, done that – 14 times. Enough said.

Don't Know Much About History

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much biology
Don’t know much about a science book
Don’t know much about the French I took.

                             -“What a Wonderful World”, Sam Cooke

I always like watching Jeopardy, even though I could never make it on the actual show. My general lack of coordination coupled with my need to mentally process the clue and THEN formulate the answer (in the form of a question) means there is no way that I could possibly buzz in before two fellow contestants whether or not I knew the answer.

So, when I discovered I could play Jeopardy online I was pretty happy. Online Jeopardy is different. There are no opponents – just you and the Machine. It is also in a multiple choice format. Being provided with four possibilities gives me a fighting chance - I have at least a 25% shot at a correct answer in every category, even if it is a complete guess.

This is important for me because I am stronger in some categories than others. I like to think that this is the case with most of us, with the exception of a handful of brainiacs who just know something about everything. What disturbs me, though, is the particular subjects with which I struggle.

You see, I don’t know anything at all about serious, weighty subjects like science and math. Math was always the bane of my academic existence, despite coming from a family who was, largely, good in the subject. I cannot accurately add and subtract numbers in my checkbook without my calculator, but my sister is an accountant who elected to take Trigonometry in high school because she figured it would be an easy “A.”

Geography also baffles me. For some reason, I have never been able to remember exactly where all the places are or what they’re called in this big world of ours. I am embarrassed to admit that I’m not exactly sure of the placement of some of the Midwest states in our own country, and, honestly, I really have never been able to distinguish Montana from Wyoming.

I actually do know a little bit more about history, which is the story of people. I have always found the subject of people and their motivations very interesting, if often perplexing. However, I am better at modern history than ancient, especially those current events of my lifetime which happened long enough ago that they are now history. I do keep up with current events – e.g. politics, the weather, anything that involves a Steeler - stuff like that.

So what topics DO I know, you’re asking yourself? I am quite proficient in what I like to think of as the “Fine Arts.” I am very knowledgeable about Broadway musicals, theater in general, literature and writers (especially Mark Twain), anything to do with language, the movies and Oscar winners, actors and actresses, and the pop culture of my youth. While I may not be able to tell the difference between a trapezoid and a triangle, I know without hesitation that Cherie Currie appeared as “Annie” in the movie Foxes with Jodie Foster in 1980. Trust me neither of these topics typically comes up at your average dinner party.

Music is a little trickier – I know a LOT about Broadway show tunes and popular music produced between 1930 and 1989, but not so much about classical music and opera. Somewhere in the 1990’s the popular music scene lost me. My first thought when I heard that Josh Duhamel was dating Fergie was that Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, and he made quite the odd couple.

My ultimate top Jeopardy category, though, is television. I am an avid television fan, and you can ask me anything about it, from its beginnings to the present. I even know facts about shows that were on before I was born and about shows that I have never watched. I am a living, breathing example of how watching too much television can absolutely rot your brain, and keep you from learning important topics like science, math and geography. Unless of course you‘re watching Jeopardy.

Freedom on the Fourth

I am as patriotic as the next person. I love being an American, and I thoroughly appreciate the democratic process. In fact, I continue to enthusiastically participate in it no matter how many times my candidates are turned down by fellow patriots (Hillary was ROBBED).


So, here it is – the Fourth of July. The birth of our nation certainly warrants a national holiday. What a better way to tip our hats to our hard-working forefathers than to take a day off work in their honor?

The chairs are lined up and down the parade route in Canonsburg, in preparation for what is truly one of the biggest and finest Fourth of July parades, certainly in Pennsylvania and perhaps in all of the United States. I have no intention of going anywhere near Canonsburg today. See, I’m not crazy about parades, and after attending 14 consecutive Canonsburg Fourth of July parades (each attendance has its own place on the things-I’ve-done-for-you list that I have compiled for my son), I’ve blissfully retired from parade attendance.

My husband and I aren’t much for fireworks, either. I mean, they’re okay, the first few are pretty, but really, how many fireworks in a row do you want to see? They’re certainly not worth leaving the house and staying out after dark. Our mutual distaste for fireworks is one of the things that brought us together. “You don’t like fireworks? Really? Wow! I don’t like fireworks either!” A pause, as you look at each other, the happy realization that you have found your soul mate sinking in. “Let’s get married!”

So, perhaps it comes as no surprise to you that my husband and I had no specific plans for the Fourth this year, aside from watching the Boston Pops on television. When we realized that my father’s senior apartment building was having their meal at noon, as they often do on holidays, we asked him over for dinner. Our first thought was a cookout, a Fourth of July tradition we actually wholeheartedly support. We cook out on our grill all the time. However, my dad doesn’t much like eating outdoors, and since we do grill out all the time, my husband decided to make Shrimp Jambalaya. We all like shrimp.

Actually, when you really think about the meaning and spirit of Independence Day, this will be a perfect holiday celebration. And I know all about the signing of the Declaration of Independence, and not just from studying it in school, way, WAY back when. I have also seen 1776 four times on stage, which included seeing three performances of one production of the show in a five-day period. My husband played Benjamin Franklin in that production. It was my favorite husband playing my favorite founding father. How could I resist? Believe me it is a better history lesson than it is a musical.

Today, by breaking with tradition, we will celebrate the very principles upon which our nation was founded –that is, the freedom to be exactly who we want to be, to express ourselves without fear, to live as we please and to do whatever we damn well please on any given holiday.

Besides, jambalaya is at least as American as, well, hot dogs and hamburgers, originating as it did in the French quarter of New Orleans, most likely by Spanish immigrants trying to recreate their native paella without using saffron (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jambalaya ). And I did buy a festive plastic Fourth of July tablecloth for our Shrimp Jambalaya dinner. I fully support the red, white and blue thing. As anyone who knows me can tell you, red is my favorite color.