But I Won't Do That

You hear a lot lately about people and their “bucket lists” of things they must do before they die. Me, I have a list of things that I’d rather die than ever do again. I call it my “chuck it list.” 

Of course, there are things that I’ve never done that I don’t care to try. Mountain climbing, skiing, sky diving, and bungee jumping all come to mind. My “chuck it list” is made up of things I’ve tried (often more than once) and never want to experience again. My top ten things I never want to do again, in no particular order, are:

1) Washington County Fair - I was a city girl who had never even been to a county fair when I was put in charge of my organization’s food booth at the Washington County Fair one year. To say that week was a living hell is a gross understatement. Beyond the horror and utter exhaustion of that assignment, I realized that there really was nothing at a county fair that I liked to do, with the possible exception of chatting with the carnies (the quirky and off-beat folks who travel from fair to fair to run the midway rides). Nonetheless, I attended several more times when my son and his high school band performed before the School Bus Demolition Derby each year. Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up.

2) Any Body Of Water- I am a non-swimmer who hates the feeling of being in water, even in a bathtub. When I was 12 I had to be rescued by the lifeguard at a local swimming pool. At 23, I almost drowned after falling in while riding the rapids on the Youghiogheny River. You don’t have to hit me over the head more than 2 or 3 times. I can take a hint. I stay out of bodies of water now.

3) Horse Back Riding- You know that old adage about getting right back on that horse if you fall? I am here to tell you that you never have to get on a horse again after breaking your pelvis in two places when the horse you’re riding throws you, even after the nightmares stop.

4) Canton Football Hall of Fame-I once spent FIVE HOURS in this museum, because my then nine-year-old son was determined to read every word of every display in the place. That was quite enough for this lifetime.

5) Any Production Of Copacabana- I have nothing against Barry Manilow or Lola (she was a show girl), but I sat all the way through one fine , well-done production of this truly abysmal musical based on the lyrics of the song. The very thought of seeing it a second time makes me cringe.

6) A Roller Coaster- I used to ride roller coasters, within reason. But as I “matured” I lost my taste for these and most other amusement park rides. I have morphed into one of those studda bubbas who holds everyone’s stuff while sitting on the bench in the shade, eating my Sno-Cone and Potato Patch fries.

7) Grade School Spelling Bee- You would think these would be fun and happy memories, wouldn’t you? Instead, they were intense affairs, with driven 8-year-olds and anxious parents, and (in at least one case) enough trauma and angst over a misspelled word to last a lifetime.

8) A Yes Concert- Yes is a 70’s rock band that is perfectly enjoyable in concert – the first 5 or 6 times you go.

9) Confession – In my Catholic elementary school, they used to march us over to Church periodically to confess our sins. Despite being generally wracked with guilt all the time, I often couldn’t really think of anything I did that was all that wrong – I was a kid after all. I confessed to disobeying my parents and lying far more often than I actually committed those offenses, because I felt like I had to say SOMETHING when I went into the confessional booth. The last time they made us go to confession in eighth grade was the last time I went to confession.

10) Canonsburg Fourth of July Parade – Been there, done that – 14 times. Enough said.