The Save-Our-Clothes Campaign

I try to fit in by following the rules of etiquette in our society, but it doesn't always work out.  I mean who made up these rules anyway?  Was it Emily Post?  She died in 1960.  Her legacy is now being carried out by Peggy Post, her great-granddaughter-in-law.  What does she know about it?

I don't know about the rest of you but I think the general rules of etiquette need to be revisited and adjusted now and again. Take, for instance, the generally accepted practice of placing your napkin on your lap when you are eating in order to protect your lap from spills.

The problem is my spills never make it that far.  There is a lot of space between my mouth and my lap, so when I spill my food while eating (an unbelievably frequent occurrence) it invariably lands somewhere on my shirt. It never even comes close to that napkin. 

I try to adjust to accommodate this misplaced protection.  I sometimes choose foods in restaurants that are less likely to result in spills.  I eat with my left hand on my chest, Pledge of Allegiance style, while wielding my utensil in my right hand so that the hot soup spills onto my hand instead of my clothing.  This is an imperfect solution as it can be painful and somewhat dangerous to my hand, but we have all made sacrifices for our appearance, haven't we?

Despite all my best efforts, the sad result of this senseless napkin misplacement is lots and lots of permanently stained clothing.  Not all the cold water, Shout wipes or stain removal treatments in the world can avoid this no matter how diligently and optimistically I continue to apply them.  It breaks my heart a little every time I need to discard a perfectly good shirt because of a stain that simply will not come out.  I've taken to stocking up on inexpensive tops - I consider them to be disposables.

Meanwhile the restaurant's napkins remain pristine.  

There is one logical and remarkable solution to this problem.  We could just tuck that napkin into our collars while we eat, or better yet, restaurants could provide their patrons with those light plastic bibs they give us when we're eating sloppy seafood.  Maybe I'll start a campaign to make it socially acceptable to wear your napkin where it makes sense!  Keep on the lookout for the online petitions, and the Facebook page,  where you, too, can join the fight for the Save Our Clothes Campaign!

When I told Mr. Rip of my idea for a campaign to address this problem, he asked why I didn't just wear my napkin wherever I want. Of course, I could do just that, but I'm afraid that people would think I look ridiculous, or that it would be totally inappropriate and breaking etiquette.

"Why do you care about what other people think?" he asked.

Well, that is the million-dollar question, isn't it?  While I have some theories, getting to the bottom of that would probably take years of intensive and expensive therapy.  It'll be easier to try to change the rules, or just buy some more cheap t-shirts.