A Cinderella Sandwich

Outside the snow was falling, the wind was blowing, the temperature was plummeting.  It was the weekend, we had food in the house and no place that we had to go.  We stayed home because we could.  This means I finally had some time to catch up with all those Facebook quizzes, so now I know what Disney Princess I'd be, what musical I'd star in, and what food I would be.

Some of the results are uncanny in their accuracy.  For instance, if I were a Disney Princess, I would be Cinderella. Well, no kidding!  That is absolutely correct.  I have identified with Cinderella since I was a kid watching the incomparable Leslie Ann Warren in the televised Rodgers and Hammerstein version.  Of course, I also identified with the Stepsisters (Why would a fella want a girl like her, a girl who's merely lovely, Why can't a fella ever once prefer, a girl who's merely me?)  

Just to keep with that underdog theme, the musical I would be in would be Wicked.  Also appropriate because I fully understand from bitter first-hand experience that it's not easy being green (or different in some other way).  At my age I would be playing Madame Morrible not Elphaba, which is just as well because if I were Elphaba I'd be flying while singing "Defying Gravity," both pursuits fraught with the potential for disaster.  Besides Mr. Rip hates it when I sing that song, but then he hates it when anyone sings that song.

If I were a Big Bang Theory character I'd be Amy Farrah Fowler.  Well, I would have guessed Leonard, but I do look more like Mayim Bialek than anyone else on the show.  Come to think of it, I am not a scientist and I'm not frustrated in my relationship (because Mr. Rip is really not anything like Sheldon no matter what he tells you), and I sure hope I am just a bit more fashionable than she is.  Other than that I'm just like her.

If I were a food, I'd be a sandwich - something about being flexible and portable and you can take me anywhere.  Well, okay, but if I were a sandwich I'd want to be an Italian hoagie or an Eat n Park Tuna Melt.

I was delighted to find out that the city I should be living in is Paris.  Naturally, I've never been there but I've always wanted to visit.  I just love those French composers and I desperately want to experience the Louvre.  I also understand that Parisians eat a lot of bread and cheese and walk a lot, which really does sound like me.  The way I see it I really will have to visit Paris now just to determine if the quiz got it right.

So I was game when they told me I would be Wilma if I were a Flintstone (I am someone's mother), or Captain Kirk in Star Trek (I don't really see it but William Shatner is just so damn cool) or  Souki on The Gilmore Girls (at least I wasn't Kurt). I was a little more skeptical when they said that I was Tom Branson on Downton Abbey, or Pinky in Grease (Pinky??  Not Jan?).

But it all really went south when The Hunger Games quiz revealed that I would be Katniss.  What??  Fierce, unbeatable bad-ass survivor Katniss? Goodness.  I thought I'd be Cinna, or whichever minor character was chosen to be in the Games and who died of fear on the way to the Arena.

Well, maybe I can channel my inner Katniss when I have to venture out into the world again and face the elements.

Complaining from the Bright Side

There are two warring forces within me:  the love of creative complaining and this relentless tendency to "look on the bright side."

For example, take winter (please). I hate winter, as you probably know if you are friends or regular readers of this blog. I could complain all day about winter, but generally save my weather-related complaints for snow.  In the face of any other kind of inclement weather the bright side for me is "At least it isn't snowing."

However, this winter is really testing my patience in ways that have nothing to do with snow (and it's only January 20).  While I am feeling the urge to bemoan the woes of this winter, I am also trying to keep the bright side in mind.

Let's examine:

"Shoveling" the Driveway  I decided to "shovel" the dusting of snow on my driveway on Christmas Eve because the family was coming over to celebrate.  Although it seemed like an easy enough chore, I managed to wrench my lower back (because I am klutzy that way) meaning that I spent the rest of the holidays in pain.

The Bright Side  Everyone made it into the house safely. 

Power Outage  The power at my house decided to go out just as I was ready to go to work my first day back after the holidays.  I was effectively trapped in the house without power or heat because my car was in the garage, the automatic garage door opener did not work, and I could not manually open the garage door because of that still tender back.

The Bright Side  I managed to work from home on my tablet, wrapped in blankets, because it was cold.  By the time the power came back on, it just made more sense to finish out my work day at home because we were in a major snow event.  I missed having to drive in several inches of snow that hadn't been cleared by the afternoon rush.

Sub Zero Temperatures  Pittsburgh experienced several days with temperatures below zero, virtually unheard of in our area.

The Bright Side  Hmm, this is a hard one.  How about, statistically, the crime rate drops when the weather is this cold?

The Burst Pipe to Nowhere I came home a day or two after the weather began to warm after those sub zero temperatures to find water rushing into my living room through the floor into the basement.  Without going into all the sordid details, by the time the water was turned off about 20 minutes later, the living room and basement were flooded.  Assuring that the floors and walls are dry and free of mildew and mold required that dehumidifiers and very noisy fans ran constantly in our living room and basement for the next six days.  We could not walk in the living room without waterproof boots.  We still have to get the pipe and walls repaired, the pad under the carpet replaced and the carpet cleaned.  

The Bright Side  It was an isolated pipe to an outdoor spigot (which we never did use) so we continued to have water to use in our kitchen and bathroom throughout the incident.  It is all covered by insurance so it is more of an inconvenience than anything.  And the silence in the living room never sounded so sweet.

And So It Continues  This week's forecast includes more single digit temperatures, and snow every day all week, and we should have approximately two months more of potential winter weather.

The Bright Side Come to think of it, I can't think of any.  I'll have to get back to you on that. 

How the Other Half Shops (Finding Nordstrom)

For some reason, Mr. Rip and I found ourselves at the Ross Park Mall on Saturday.  Hypothetically, it could have been because we wanted to get out of the house to escape the deafening racket made by the dehumidifiers that were drying out our living room and basement after the pipe burst flooding both rooms on Thursday, but whatever, we were there and in no hurry to leave.

The Ross Park Mall used to be a regular run-of-the-mill mall, a perfectly good place for people from all walks of life to shop.  It had Lane Bryant and Easy Spirit stores for me, and a cool little housewares shop for Mr. Rip.  

Then the Ross Park Mall suddenly went "upscale" on us, mostly because Nordstrom moved in.  Some of the smaller stores that didn't fit into the new neighborhood moved (Lane Bryant) or just closed their stores not to reopen anywhere in the region (Easy Spirit).  While I didn't analyze it too deeply, I think subconsciously I blamed Nordstrom for ruining...er, I mean transforming...our local mall into someplace I couldn't afford to shop.

I had never been inside a Nordstrom store, but their reputation intimidated me.  I mean I'm more likely to shop at Target than Macy's, so how out-of-my-league was Nordstrom going to be?

 

It was out of love that I finally dared to enter Nordstrom. I want to look presentable at the wedding of my son and his lovely fiancee later this year, and I kept looking at a dress that the store carried online that I thought might be perfect for me.

Finally, Mr. Rip suggested, in his infinite wisdom, that if I really loved the look of the dress so much that I should order it.  I could always send it back if it didn't work.  Well, I thought if we were going to be killing time...er, I mean, spending some quality time... at the Ross Park Mall anyway that I might just stop at Nordstrom to see if they had it in stock.  

So, just like that, without another thought, I bravely entered the majestic grandness of a department store that is Nordstrom.  Wow, it was nice in there, with an actual stunning decor and everything, and the merchandise all beautifully spaced out.  This department store had ambience. I had never seen anything quite like it.  I felt underdressed.

As I was taking it all in, I was approached by what I thought was a saleslady, greeting me as though I was a long-lost friend she hadn't seen in awhile.  I explained that I was looking for formal wear in plus sizes, and she was delighted to direct me to the Encore section.  What a genteel name for the plus size section!

Jan was waiting to assist me when I reached Encore.  When Jan handed me her card, I saw that she was my Personal Stylist!  I don't know if you will be surprised to hear this, but I have never had a Personal Stylist before.  Of course I never asked but I don't think they have them at Target- hell they barely have plus sizes (and the few offerings they do have are hidden in the corner just past the maternity clothes).  I suppressed the sudden urge to sing  - If they could see me now, that little dusty group, traipsin' round this million dollar chicken coup...if my friends could see me now!

Jan was very sorry to tell me that they did not have the dress in question on the floor but was more than happy to order it for me.  It will come to my house.  She helped me to select the best color of those available in my size.  She offered her assistance in finding the right accessories to go with my dress and she will be calling me when Nordstrom has special offers, as IF I could afford to shop there on a regular basis (but I didn't want to burst her bubble).

Boy, I could get used to this kind of stellar shopping experience. Shopping at Nordstrom is definitely going on my list of things I'll be doing when I win the lottery.  

If I Were a Rich Woman

A couple of weeks ago, two people finally hit the Mega Million Dollar lottery, splitting $648 million dollars, the 2nd largest lottery prize in U.S. history.

I was not one of those people.  

This would have been even more disappointing if I had actually played the lottery.  I mean to play when the stakes get that high - I do! - but I've never been much of a gambler. I don't want to spend my money unless I'm assured that I would win some money, which means I actually philosophically reject the very definition of gambling.  Besides when the prizes get that high, the lines for lottery tickets get  so long at the Sunoco station where I buy my coffee, and I really just want to get my decaf and get out of there.

Nonetheless, this does not stop Mr. Rip and me from thinking about how we'd spend all that money if we did somehow win the lottery, which really would be a miracle since the odds against winning are even higher if you don't buy a ticket.   He feels strongly that we should take the annual annuity over the lump sum payment, which is fine with me if we win $324 million  dollars.

Of course, it goes without saying that we'd make sure our families are taken care of, because we love our families more than anything and would do anything for them. We'd buy new cars (if Mr. Rip could part with his Caravan), and we would travel more.

We love our house so much I'm not sure we'd move even if we had several million dollars, but we would probably spring for a second condo in a warm dry climate where we could spend the winter.  Mr. Rip would be on the phone about bids on that kitchen remodel before the first lottery check arrived.  I'd hold off on ordering the new dining room set I've been wanting until we see what that remodel looks like.

But other than that, what would I buy if money were no object?

Shoes and socks that fit.     Yes, that's right, I would hire one of the Easy Spirit designers to make customized shoes in the styles that I like that fit these funny feet of mine perfectly.  No more scouring the racks of the local outlet stores (since Easy Spirit closed all their retail stores within 100 miles of my house) for that elusive 7 WW or settling for some other size that just fits "well enough."  And I would get socks made so that the heel of my sock sat at the heel of my foot rather than on my ankle.

A bathroom door that opens outward.  My bathroom is the size and shape of a small arrowhead.  It is, however, totally functional, and has a kick-ass mirror that also doubles as a medicine cabinet door.  For some reason, the door opens into this bathroom, effectively blocking access to half of the arrowhead and sometimes requiring some interesting contortions to get into the space.  Changing that would cost just a fraction of my millions.

Macadamia nuts. I would no longer reluctantly pass on the $13.99 jar of macadamia nuts at the supermarket, looking longingly back at them as I walk away.

Hillary Clinton for President. Mind you, I realize I couldn't actually buy her the presidency, but her campaign would receive a much more substantial donation than the $25.00 I might send her now.  And it would be my treat if she'd agree to have lunch with me.  

Musical revues. Actually we would buy or build a small theater where Mr. Rip, our friends and I could put on musical revues or other theatrical productions, as we see fit.

A two-car garage. Our perfect home would be even more perfect with a two-car garage.  Of course, there probably isn't enough money in the world to convince our housing association to let us do that.