How to Win on "Dancing with the Stars"

[DWTS contestants] come to my show an hour after being eliminated. Some cry; a few are too upset to talk. For some reason, once you start ballroom dancing on TV, you don’t want to stop.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Another season of Dancing with the Stars has come to an end, and I correctly predicted the outcome going into the finals. Hines Ward would win, Kirstie Alley would be second, and Chelsea Kane third.

I’ve watched this show from the beginning, and I know what it takes to win. Dancing well is just one part of it. Putting together a winning game plan takes much more than that. If you are a celebrity whose publicist is pestering you to compete on DWTS, you might want to take notes.

FAN BASE - Hines had the Steeler Nation behind him, so that’s extraordinary, but usually this is only important early in the competition. Your fans will take you only so far, unless your last name is "Palin," in which case they will, inexplicably, take you all the way to the finals.

THE “ROCKY” FACTOR – Kirstie was 60 years old, overweight and clearly not a dancer when she signed onto DWTS. We love a good underdog, and if you dance respectably and get better, we will vote you right into the finals, as we did for Kirstie.

WE’LL BE THE JUDGE - If America thinks that the judges have judged you unfairly, it may affect the way they vote. Say you’re dancing, and the audience at home is thinking, “Hey he looks pretty good!” Then the judges pipe in, and Len says you’re flat-footed, or Carrie Ann detects a lift that no one else saw, and they give you 5’s. Or, the judges rave about you when we were thinking you were just “okay.” The audience may try to literally even the score with their votes. This accounts for good dancers being voted out of the competition early, and probably hurt Chelsea, the winner of the new “Winner Takes All” dance, which earned her 15 (!) extra points from the judges, virtually assuring her a place in the finals.

PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS- As in life, attitude is very important in DWTS. We want to see that you are actually putting forth an effort to learn and perform the dances. Getting along with your pro dance partner, listening to the judges’ input graciously, cheering on your competitors, being a good sport if you get bad scores – all three of our finalists this season did this well.

MAKE 'EM LAUGH - While we expect you to take the dancing seriously, taking yourself too seriously can be your ticket home. So lighten up and have some fun. If you are uncomfortable, you will make us uncomfortable, too. Kirstie made us laugh and we want to be entertained.

HALLMARK MOMENT –The end of the competition is the time to make us cry, if you can. A compelling back story can go far in the finals. Hines had every single one of the winning factors, but absolutely clinched the win with his reaction after Kym Johnson, his professional partner, returned to dance in the semi-finals after suffering a horrific neck injury. He broke down and cried, and I cried right along with him. His back story about being half Korean and half black, his mother’s struggles, and how he became a football star despite not having an ACL definitely outdid the fact that Kirstie did a lot of cocaine when she was young. Chelsea had a totally blessed childhood and never knew a moment’s disappointment in her young life.

“MAKE OR BREAK IT” FREESTYLE - For heaven’s sake, choose your freestyle dance wisely. While it didn’t make  any difference this season you can win it or lose it with this dance. Marie Osmond lost the second she came out as a “doll,” and Jennifer Grey won it all the moment she carried that watermelon onto the stage wearing one of her Dirty Dancing outfits.

So there you have it – everything you need to know to win DWTS. If you hear they are looking for a color commentator, feel free to give them my email address.