The 2014 Winter Olympics being held in Sochi, which is somewhere in Russia, are well underway.
I can't tell you that much about the Games unless it pertains to the figure skating competitions, which I follow fervently. Let me tell you, these are full of interesting twist and turns this year, some of which even have to do with skating.
Once in awhile I might catch some other event if I have nothing else to do and there is nothing else on TV, and let me say that I admire Olympic athletes very much. All the training and conditioning and athleticism - it's impressive, really. Not just anyone can do this stuff. I know I can't.
Heck, I get a little queasy just watching Skeleton, a sledding event in which competitors barrel down the course lying face down on this tiny minimal piece of sheet metal they call a "sled," their faces just an inch or two from the ice. The burning question here is why anyone ever thought to do this in the first place.
It's not that I'm not competitive in any activities. It's just that none of them are Olympic sports. So, what events would be included in the Rip Olympics?
Couch Sitting- I can sit on the couch for hours and hours on end without stirring. My stamina is unwavering - I can delay gratification foregoing food, beverage, and even a much-needed bathroom break indefinitely in my pursuit of sluggish inertia.
Spaghetti Eating - This would be my Gold Medal event in the larger Gluttonous Consumption division of the Games. Perhaps my prowess in this event comes because I began eating spaghetti at my mother's knee, thus beginning my training at a very young age.
Storm Sleeping - In order to compete in this event, I would have to overcome sporadic insomnia which plagues me even to this day. However, once I have fallen asleep, I can sleep through any disturbance -even violent thunderstorms and fireworks at Soergel's pumpkin patch, which makes our house sound and feel like the inside of a popcorn popper.
BS-a-Thon- "Out-Talk, Out-Chat, Out-Last," that's our motto in this event. Beating your competitors here requires endurance- the ability to talk non-stop without a break until you are the last one talking. Winning this one might be bittersweet as I suspect some of my stiffest competition will come from family members.
Speed Talking- Here the key is talking so fast that the human mind cannot quite keep up, while still enunciating every word. Mr. Rip thinks I could be competitive here, but I know I would have stiff competition from John Moschitta and any actress/singer who sang, "I'm Not Getting Married Today" while playing the role of Amy in a production of Company. If I were at my peak on the day of the competition, I might be able to battle for the Bronze.
Song Bursting - In this event, you have to identify the song lyric in someone's everyday conversation and immediately burst into a spirited version of the song upon hearing it. Singing the first line or two of the song is sufficient, but you can earn additional points for 1) actually knowing the lyrics, 2) singing in tune without accompaniment, or 3) finishing the entire song. Performing choreography while singing the song may make you an audience darling, but has no effect on your score. I am afraid the rest of you will just have to wait until I retire or an injury takes me out of the competition to have a chance at the top honors here.
No comments:
Post a Comment