What He Did for Love

My son JJ was never a big fan of delayed gratification.

It all began on the day he was born 15 days before my due date. The doctor explained to us that "this baby is coming out whether your body is ready or not."

This general impatience continued even after he was born.  "Waiting is what I hate," my little boy would solemnly proclaim, anytime he had to wait in a line, or wait for a show to begin or wait for a holiday or his birthday to arrive. No one who ever stood in a line with JJ doubted that this was true as he practically elevated fidgeting into an art form -his own version of an interpretive dance.

Now that he's all grown up, he waits in line more easily, but he still doesn't enjoy it.

So it came as no surprise to me that when he finally found the right one (after an agonizing wait) that it didn't take his lovely lady and he long to figure it out.  Within a few weeks they were officially "in a relationship" - on Facebook- so you knew it was for real.  You don't announce a thing like that to 700 of your closest Friends unless you're serious.

When we met her just a few weeks later we understood why J.J. fell in love with her so quickly.  She is brilliant, vibrant, funny, loving and full of life.  Most importantly she is perfect for him - we can just see it in the way they are when they are together.  Of course we would have loved anyone who made him as happy as she does, but we are crazy about her anyway.

This past June, about a year after they started dating I got a cryptic message from JJ asking me to meet him for dinner.  I was thrilled when he showed me the beautiful ring and told me that he loved his girlfriend, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and he was planning to ask her to marry him...on September 28th.

September 28th??  He was waiting for three months?  Why, I asked.  He explained that September 28th was a day that had special significance to his girlfriend, and he knew that a proposal on that day would be very special to her.

I felt it was my duty as his mother to remind him that waiting is what he hated.  "Do you think you'll be able to hold off that long?"

"If it makes her happy, I can wait that long."  he said, simply.  "I can do whatever it takes to make her happy."

Did I mention that JJ grew up to be a terrific man?   I already knew how much he loved his girlfriend, but he loved her more than he hated waiting.  I swelled with pride.

It wasn't easy but he waited. He planned a very special date for the proposal, and most importantly, she said yes.  Sometime good things really are worth the wait.

I Can Do That Museum with Two Bathroom Breaks!

Now the only time I don't have to pee is when I'm peeing.

                                                                                            -Martin Short, on turning 60

Mr. Rip and I heartily enjoy a good museum.  Some museums contain a wide variety of artifacts  and artwork and others just focus on a particular topic.  It doesn't much matter to us because we're interested in lots of different stuff and the history of it and good art representing it.  We're eclectic that way.

We have visited five museums since Labor Day, four of them in our trip to Corning, NY (with a side trip to Elmira, N.Y.) this past weekend. When we arrived at the Rockwell Museum of Western Art a few days ago Mr. Rip looked around and said, happily, "Hey, I think that we may be able to do this museum with just one bathroom break!"

Yes, folks, this is what it's come to.  We were not exactly young when we took up with each other 11 years ago, but one thing has changed as we have "matured."  We have to go the bathroom more often than we used to. I choose to think that this is due more to the fact that I have studiously followed the advice of health care professionals to drink more liquids in order to stay healthy (with mixed results) than to my advancing years, but whatever the cause, the facts remain the same.

Of course, while there is nothing quite as challenging in a museum as there is in the ballpark (see "Ache Me Out to the Ball Game," last week's blog) there are other factors to consider in navigating the museums for those of us who have lived long and more or less prospered.  Is it walkable?  If you can't walk without aids like walkers or wheelchairs, is it accessible?  Is there anywhere to hang your coat while you schlep around the museum?   But they all pale in comparison to whether or not you can get to a restroom when you need one.

Here are capsule reviews of our five latest museums, with the most important information at the end.

FALLINGWATER, Fayette County, PA

The magnificent design and architecture of Frank Lloyd Wright's masterpiece never fails to inspire awe, even on a repeat visit.

3 Bathroom Breaks - but I was only able to take two! There are NO restrooms at the house itself and the tour and the absolutely mandatory   ground-roaming to get post-tour photos can take a couple of hours. Take my advice and don't drink anything for a few hours or so before you arrive.

CORNING MUSEUM OF GLASS Corning, NY

Everything you ever wanted to know about glass but were afraid to ask.  You can spend a full day -or two!- there, seeing glass in every conceivable form and usage, and that's just in the gift shop.  Ha! I jest, but seriously there were displays of glass objects, the history of glass, glass-blowing and glass-breaking demonstrations, and the chance to make your own glass item. All totally worth it, but reserve your space ahead of time if you want to make a glass item of your own to take home.

4 or 5 Bathroom Breaks   Actually I spent so much time there that I lost track, but there were bathrooms on every level, so I didn't really have think about it.

ROCKWELL MUSEUM OF WESTERN ART Corning, NY

This was my chance to experience the American West and should hold me until I actually get to go there.  The museum was so great that Mr. Rip and I wished there were more of it, especially since two exhibits had been "deinstalled" to make way for new exhibits opening next week.  We liked it so much we bought the official book of the museum so we could continue to enjoy the art  and learn more about it when we got home.

2 Bathroom Breaks - Mr. Rip underestimated (or overestimated?) me.

CHEMUNG HISTORICAL SOCIETY MUSEUM Elmira, NY

Our visit to this museum and to Elmira was all about Mark Twain, one of my literary heroes, who summered in Elmira with his wife's family and who is buried there.  A nice little one-floor local history museum with special exhibits of signs of places that don't exist there anymore, local education and baseball, and a permanent exhibit that included enough Mark Twain information and paraphernalia to satisfy me.  For $2.00 each we had the place to ourselves - such a deal!

0 Bathroom Breaks -Technically, but I went once just in case.  A pre-emptive strike.

ARNOT MUSEUM OF ART - Elmira, NY

A small museum with a small and very eclectic collection of fine art. Only three of the five galleries were open for viewing, but I scored a cool Mark Twain postcard while I was there, so it was worth it.

1 Bathroom Break - conveniently located right by the entrance.

Well, I need to go now.  I'll let you guess where I'm going.

Ache Me Out to the Ball Game

The reason I don't keep a bucket list is that I don't want to have to do anything before I die.  Instead, I have always been a day dreamer with a rich fantasy life full of unlikely achievements.  Things like what I'd do when I won the lottery, even though I never play the lottery. See, I don't want to have a list full of things I have to do, just one of things I'd love to do but probably won't.

Therefore, I was especially excited when I learned that the Pittsburgh Concert Chorale would be singing the National Anthem at the Pittsburgh Pirates game against the Chicago Cubs on September 14th.  Singing the National Anthem at a major sporting event  was always one of those fantasies of mine, even though I never go to baseball games.  

I would imagine being on the field singing the Anthem to an appreciative ballpark crowd that erupted into thunderous applause afterward.   That's pretty much exactly what happened - just exactly how I imagined it, together with 60 or 70 of my favorite people.  Yes, all in all, a very nice fulfilled fantasy.

Then we stayed for the game.  That was never a part of the fantasy.   Nonetheless, it proved to be a very enjoyable evening, as my son J.J., a huge baseball fan, was with us, and his lovely girlfriend made a surprise appearance halfway through the game.  It was a perfect evening to enjoy the game in the exquisite PNC Park overlooking the beautiful Pittsburgh cityscape. The Pirates are in the midst of a rare winning season, and they won that night before a sell-out crowd. 

That said, it had been a number of years since either Mr. Rip or I had been to a Pirates game, and some things have changed since then.  Perhaps it is we who have changed, as we are older and more arthritic now.  While we did a few things right, like wearing sensible shoes, we also learned a few things that might have made our trip to the ballpark even better.  We call these tips "The Arthritic's Guide to the Ball Game."

Mr. Rip astutely observed that, unlike when you go to the theater or to the symphony, when the ball game begins the audience does not fall silent.  Actually there is a cacophony of sights and sounds throughout the game, especially when something exciting happens on the field.  If you are someone who finds this assault on the senses even the least bit overwhelming, you should remember your soft earplugs when you come to the Park.

Another new development at the ballpark is the availability of a number of healthy food options, and you may be tempted to have one of them if you have been making any kind of attempt at "eating right" no matter what your age or overall physical health. Now I have a theory that you should never get a gyro at the pizza joint, and never order a pizza at the Greek place  - that is, it is always safer to stick with the restaurant speciality.  This holds true at the ballpark.  I virtuously chose the "hibachi shrimp" (which was just shrimp fried rice with shrimp with a consistency unlike any shrimp I'd ever eaten), and Mr. Rip had a chicken dish from the same place.  Unsatisfied, we ended up getting big, juicy, tasty hot dogs which is what you're supposed to eat at a baseball game. 

Perhaps, most importantly, you will do a lot of walking at the Park, and tax yourself physically in other ways as well.  If you have arthritis it is safe to assume that it may act up, and you should bring a stash of the painkiller of your choice to use when it does or when the effect of the dose you took before you left the house wears off.

Of course, if I really need to see a game I can always watch it on the television from the comfort of my house.  Fresh air is overrated anyway.

She Thought She'd Dance

I have been an avid fan and faithful viewer of Dancing with the Stars since the very beginning, but as it is with many relationships it hasn't always been perfect.  

For instance, I never really understood the need for that second night of programming - a full hour just repeating the performances, and then an hour-long "results show" full of filler and contests for kid dancers.  It all seemed extraneous to me.  I really just wanted to see who was eliminated, and if the truth be told it was fine with me if I was just surprised the following week with which celebrity didn't show up.

So I was pretty optimistic when I heard that Season 17 of DWTS, which begins airing next week, will now be just one two-hour broadcast on Monday nights.  The viewers' scores from the week before will be combined with the judges' scores of that night and the eliminated couple will be announced at the end of the night.  Works for me.

The cast this season seems like a pretty good bunch.  I'm intrigued by the fact that Bill Nye the Science Guy will be a contestant this season.  Will he bring the same wacky approach to dancing that he always brought to  science?

But my favorite Season 17 DWTS cast member by far is Valerie Harper.  Back in the 70's, Harper played Rhoda Morgenstern on the The Mary Tyler Moore Show.  I loved Rhoda.  Rhoda was the neurotic, smart, wise-cracking, self-deprecating, overweight friend of Mary Richards, the star of the show. She reminded me of, well, me.  

I hung on Rhoda's every word and move.  I cheered when she lost weight, and when the character was so popular that she was spun off into her own show, entitled Rhoda.  She gave hope to wise-cracking sidekicks everywhere that we too could emerge from the shadows of our more glamorous friends to get lives of our own.

It wasn't until much, much later that I came to the realization that...are you ready?...Rhoda was never overweight.  Not ever.  And furthermore, Valerie Harper (and therefore Rhoda) was and is an extraordinarily beautiful woman, at least as beautiful as Mary.  I can't speak for all the viewers, of course, but she certainly had me fooled.  That's when I realized the true genius of Valerie Harper and what an exceptional actress she actually was.  She had me convinced that she was as ordinary-looking as I was.

Back in March, Valerie Harper, now 74, made it public that she had been diagnosed with  a rare and terminal brain-related cancer, almost three months after she was diagnosed and given three months to live.  Like Gilbert Grape's brother, she could go at any time. Sadly, I braced myself for her death announcement.

But Valerie wasn't done living yet.  First she started shooting a movie, and now when Dancing with the Stars came calling, she decided to dance.  She has said that she made a decision to live life fully until she dies.  Maybe that's a lesson we all should embrace.   She continues to inspire us all.  

OUTRAGED, I Tell You

It seems like people are always getting OUTRAGED over the most trivial things these days.  First they were OUTRAGED because Justin Bieber left a lovely, respectful message at the Anne Frank Museum.  

Then they were OUTRAGED because Ben Affleck (who is fast turning into the Rodney "I Don't Get No Respect" Dangerfield of the modern entertainment industry) was cast as the Caped Crusader in the next Batman movie.  Seriously? Why can't he play Batman?  Of course, he's no Adam West, but he certainly might be along the lines of Michael Keaton.  In any case, there is no cause to lose sleep over this.

Now they're OUTRAGED because of Miley Cyrus' performance at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards.  Now I didn't watch the VMAs. Devious Maids was on at the same time, and I have my priorities.  However I couldn't help watching Miley later to see what all the fuss was about.

My first thought was "Hey, the Furries are dancing back up for Miley Cyrus!"  People think I'm out of touch but I recognize Furries when I see them.  They have their convention in Pittsburgh every year.

There are really no words to fully describe just how terrible this performance was - on every level.  I watched with my mouth open, unbelieving and flabbergasted.  What the hell was she doing?  And why did she keep sticking out her tongue?  You'd think that Kiss' Gene Simmons was her celebrity father, not Billy Ray Cyrus.

But I wasn't  OUTRAGED.  Teenagers have been shocking their parents with their performances probably since the beginning of time and parents (who were the teenagers doing the shocking at some point) continue to fall for it.  It reminded me of performances by Madonna and Lady Gaga, except that Madonna and Gaga are actually talented.

But the funniest part I thought of all the OUTRAGE was that there was a huge backlash from some African Americans saying that Miley Cyrus had no business to be twerking, because it was their dance.  I had no idea what twerking was even after watching the debacle, so I looked it up. I found an instructional video on You Tube with the most earnest young African American woman demonstrating ("first you squat, then you put your hand here to push your hips forward, and here to push your hips back.")

So, basically, twerking is shaking your hips forward and backward while squatting.  I'm sorry to be the one to break it to anyone, but people both black and white have been shaking their hips while they dance for decades, and in a free and equal society we all have the right to shake our hips however we see fit.  Besides, it's not like she did it well or anything.

If people want to spend their time and energy being OUTRAGED about something related to pop culture, there are more important causes for concern.  Why not be OUTRAGED that none of the legislators in this nation will grow a pair and introduce and fight for a bill that bans high powered-assault weapons and high-ammunition magazines?  If they did, we all might be able to go freely to our local cineplex to view that new Batman movie without fear of being shot to death in a massacre by some random gunman when we get there.