Friend of a Lifetime

This column got its name 18 years before I started writing it. I was a "non-traditional" student enrolled in the graduate program in Communications at the California University of Pennsylvania, and I was writing a column about my experiences entitled "Rip Wakes Up" for the California Times, the campus newspaper.

Each semester the Times staff put out a parody edition and in that semester's Hard Times, my good friend and fellow grad student Jeff did a parody of my column entitled  "Rip Aches All Over," which turned out to be the perfect name for the column I was going to write 18 years later.  It was not the last time Jeff would give me what I needed before I knew I needed it.

On the surface, Jeff and I seemed like unlikely friends. When we met, I was a woman in my early 30's with a full time job, a husband and a toddler taking evening classes to complete my degree.  Jeff was a 23-year-old full time grad student -very Gen X and one of those inherently "hip" people to whom other people instinctively respond. 

As it turns out, we were kindred spirits who instinctively understood each other, even though other people didn't always "get" exactly who we were.  We were both smart people with offbeat senses of humor and largely unfounded but deeply rooted insecurities.

Jeff and I had some great times in our friendship.  We shared an internship - we spent a day together a week for 10 weeks, eating lunch at the Acropolis (a Greek restaurant in downtown California) and preparing promotional materials for a local landmark.  It was some of the most fun I ever had earning college credits.

We went to see movies that few others would want to see with me, like Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, and Death Becomes Her.  At his insistence, I went to see the performance artist coming to campus even though I generally loathed anyone calling themselves a performance artist, and saw what I still remember all these years later as one of the most awe-inspiring and creative displays of artistry I've ever witnessed.  He introduced me to musicians like Billy McLaughlin and R.E.M.

And we talked. About anything and everything - about relationships and trying to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives; he as a young adult just graduating college, and me as a lady aspiring to be a late bloomer (and I'm still working on it). I probably saved a fortune on therapy because of Jeff.

A few years after we graduated Jeff moved to Seattle.  Although I tried to act like an adult about it, I was very sorry to see him go.  I knew that he would keep in touch, but he also made a point of telling me that no matter where he moved, where he was living, or with whom he was living, I had a place to stay if I needed or wanted one.  

Jeff found his place in the world in Seattle.  He found fulfilling work that he enjoyed and met Ron, his true love and the light of his life.  While I never needed to move in, I did visit twice, and both times his home felt like my home, and Ron and Jeff felt like family - the kind you choose to have.

Jeff and I stayed in touch, moving with the times from exchanging long letters to sending e-mails to being Friends on Facebook, and of course, we were always just a phone call away.  

Jeff and I really came into our own as people in the 20+ years that we were friends.   We went from searching for ourselves to finding true fulfillment and happiness with loving partners in our lives.  

On Sunday, I got the call that you never can expect to get about my wonderful, loving, happy 10-years-younger friend.  Jeff had died suddenly of a massive heart attack at the age of 46.  I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop crying that night, as I thought about all the moments that made up our friendship.

There is no real way to make sense of it, because there is no sense to it.  Suzie, our friend who called me with the news, said that the only consolation is knowing that he had been very happy in his life, and had lived an incredibly good life.

As I was struggling to express my grief when I got off the phone, my husband, the love and light of my life said it. "You loved him - no, you love him.  You still do."

That's just it.  Jeff and I had as a good a friendship as two people can have, and he knew it, too.  Even though he is no longer just a phone call or a Facebook message away, I can still imagine his face, his grin, and his wonderful laugh.  I will miss him terribly, but he will always be in my heart.  I will always love Jeff.

The Little Foxes

My co-workers were practically giddy with excitement when they told me that there was a family of baby foxes living under the deck at our work building.

Was this a good thing?  Why am I always the last person to know when wildlife takes up residence under the deck at work?  But most importantly,  what happened to  the groundhogs?

I remember watching the baby groundhogs from the family - or colony- living under the deck frolicking outside the window while waiting for my first interview three years ago, and they have lived there ever since.  About a year ago, our landlord decided that he wanted to close in the area under the deck, and decided to relocate the family with Hav-a-Heart traps. He caught a raccoon but no groundhogs.

Despite my sincerest effort to steer clear of them, wild animals sometimes insinuate themselves into my life so I know a little something about groundhogs.  There was a family of them living under our house in Canonsburg for many years.  They seem nice enough but you just never know what sort of havoc they are wreaking down there -we believe we had to replace our sewer pipes because of the little beasts.

Somehow, I suspected that foxes might be more overtly threatening to humans than groundhogs.

"Oh, they're babies and they're SOOO cute," one happy co- worker cooed, "Look! I took a picture."

I looked at the photo of the intense looking little fox face, and frankly I was a little freaked out.

"See, they're SOOO cute - I can't believe how close we got to them," she said in wonderment.

"So they won't hurt us?" I asked tentatively.

"Well...maybe the mother would, but we haven't seen her," she said.

Just because we haven't seen the mother doesn't mean she isn't there, I thought.

My co-workers were still all smiles when they assured me that the foxes wouldn't bother us and if we made too much of a racket the mother would just move the family.

Not that I have trust issues, but when I got home I employed some of my highly honed  research skills to explore the subject further.  I typed "Are foxes dangerous  to people?" into the Google search box.  I wasn't the first person to ask Google this question.

It turns out that foxes really aren't dangerous to humans.  They pretty much have no interest in us, and are nocturnal (so are active when we are not).  As a bonus, they will keep a place free of mice.
(http://www.humanesociety.org/animals/foxes/tips/solving_problems_with_foxes.html)  Well, mice had been occasionally terrorizing my co- workers with offices in the basement, and then dying in the walls trying to get upstairs so I couldn't pretend to be sorry about that.

On the down side, foxes will also kill the household pets.  That's what happened to the groundhogs, we surmised when I was sharing my findings with the gang the next day. So much for "having a heart" about it. And those birds that have been hanging around flying into our closed windows better watch out, too.

"Isn't it amazing?" said my boss, an insightful and philosophical woman.  "We have a veritable wildlife reserve back here and meanwhile, we can't get out of the parking lot for all the traffic caused by the construction."

The entrance and exit at the Sunoco staton across the street from our offices are being expanded and the access roads widened to accommodate all the traffic from the busy Route 19 business district it abuts on the other side.

She had a point there.   It was the worst of both worlds - our little intersection where the "city" meets the country.

Whatever, I still think I'm going to steer clear of the deck at work for awhile, just in case these foxes mistake me for a household pet, or a groundhog.

Were They Raised by Apes?

I had been looking forward to seeing Pittsburgh Musical Theater's production of Tarzan all week.  Mother Nature helped to set the scene by hitting southwestern Pennsylvania with a storm worthy of the tropical rain forest in the hours leading up to the show.

We settled in to watch the show and it exceeded all expectations.  The set, the costumes, the performers, the choreography, the music were all simply spectacular.  It would have been a nearly perfect theatrical experience if the racket from audience members in the rows behind me hadn't threatened to at times drown out the action on the stage.

I try to be an understanding person - I do.  Perhaps these people had never been to the theater before, so they just didn't know how to act.  Maybe some of this isn't just plain common sense.

So, as a public service, I am going to share some simple rules of theater etiquette here, just in an effort to be helpful.

1. Don't speak.

Don't talk during the show -not in a conversation, not offering commentary, not out loud and not in a whisper.  This is not a rock concert or a football game.  Forget about the fact that it distracts other audience members and interferes with our enjoyment of the show.  Don't YOU want to hear the show?  If the answer is no, then what are you doing there in the first place?

2.  Eat quietly.

If you MUST eat during the show -like, say, if you don't have enough body fat to stave off starvation for two hours -do so quietly.  If you bring your own wrapped hard candy with you, for the love of all that is good and holy take the wrappers off before you put them in the Zip-Loc bag.  Whatever you do, do not sit there continually crackling candy papers.  I'm telling you this for your own protection because someone sitting in front of you who is less patient than I am might crack and snatch that candy away from you.

3. Let the sneeze go unanswered.

Of course it is okay to sneeze in the theater.  However, it is NOT okay for 7 or 8 other audience members to say "Bless you!" out loud when someone does.  There is an old unwritten theater rule that says that silent blessings are acceptable in the event of a sneeze.  Never heard of that?  Well, maybe I made it up, but it's still a pretty good rule.

4.  Go easy on the perfume.

Some people really are allergic.  Enough said.

5.  Back away from the cell phone.

A big loud voice now reminds you to turn the sound off on your phone at the beginning of every show.  Just do it.  Then put it away.  If you are somebody who absolutely must be available to take a phone call at any time- like a doctor on call or the parent of a teenager who has the car that night - put it on vibrate.

6.   Turn out the lights.

The theater is dark for a reason.  So do NOT use lighted devices - e.g. your cell phone, tablet, or small flashlight - during the show.  Tweet or text  your friends, or check to read about your favorite performer in the program at intermission or after the show.

7.   Leave the baby at home.

By all means, bring your children to age-appropriate shows. Expose them to the joys of good theater and while you're at it take the time to teach them these rules.  That way we will be cultivating the theater audience of the future- one that will hopefully know how to behave while they're there.

However, leave the baby at home.  Because there had been the noise of a crying baby representing the infant Tarzan early in the show, I was momentarily confused when a baby began to cry, thinking it was part of the show.  But Tarzan was now a young boy singing a plaintive song on the river bank, so then I realized it was coming from the audience.  If you must bring the baby to the show, at least take the infant out to the lobby when they are crying.

I'm sure there are more rules, but these just address those transgressions I endured at Tarzan the other night.  Yes, that's right, people in that audience committed every one of these infractions.  Maybe they were raised by apes.

If You Ask Me I Could Read a Book

For some reason, over the years, I had been reading less and less fiction for pleasure. I don't know why.  I guess I'd been busy, and there never seemed to be enough time to read much more than the occasional Good Housekeeping.

Well, I missed reading and decided that I needed to do something about this.  I was going to make the time to read more often, just like I make the time to go to the gym.

I thought it would be a simple proposition, but I didn't anticipate the Brave New World of Reading that awaited me.

I originally fell in love with the written word in the first grade when they taught me to read.  Oh, I did have Fun with Dick and Jane, seeing them run and enjoying other escapades with their dog Spot.

One day my first grade teacher rocked my world when she marched our class down to our local library, which was just a block away from the school.   When the librarian handed me my very own library card, she explained to me that with this card I could borrow any book in the library, read it and return it. I couldn't believe my good fortune - it was like I hit the lottery.

Back then, and for many years thereafter, there were just books.  But now books come in so many different forms and there are many different ways to obtain and read them.  Now there are audio books on CD and e-books and downloadable books.  It was like I had woken up in The Future.

Now I listen to audio books while driving and read e-books on a lightweight device that fits into my purse. I can purchase books in any form online or I can borrow them from the library, which has adapted quickly to The New World.  I can use an online searchable database to look throughout the Allegheny County library system for a title that interests me, and then request that book to be picked up at the  library of my choice.  I can download an e-book in a matter of seconds.  I am just as excited about the literary possibilities as I was back in first grade.

Some folks are lamenting the popularity of e-books and how they are supplanting "real" books.  Honestly, sometimes I think that some people just like to hear themselves complain.

There is no "down" side to e-books.  It is the same book that you would read in hard copy.  You can adjust the brightness and tint of the screen and the size and type of the font so that reading is easier on your eyes, and bookmark pages to keep your place. You can store multiple books on your device simultaneously, so you can carry a library of books with you without straining your back.  Not to mention that it is an especially "green" way to read - when you use an e-reader you are saving forests full of trees.

Of course, my unread copies of Good Housekeeping are stacking up. Guess I might have to change to an e-subscription.