Were They Raised by Apes?

I had been looking forward to seeing Pittsburgh Musical Theater's production of Tarzan all week.  Mother Nature helped to set the scene by hitting southwestern Pennsylvania with a storm worthy of the tropical rain forest in the hours leading up to the show.

We settled in to watch the show and it exceeded all expectations.  The set, the costumes, the performers, the choreography, the music were all simply spectacular.  It would have been a nearly perfect theatrical experience if the racket from audience members in the rows behind me hadn't threatened to at times drown out the action on the stage.

I try to be an understanding person - I do.  Perhaps these people had never been to the theater before, so they just didn't know how to act.  Maybe some of this isn't just plain common sense.

So, as a public service, I am going to share some simple rules of theater etiquette here, just in an effort to be helpful.

1. Don't speak.

Don't talk during the show -not in a conversation, not offering commentary, not out loud and not in a whisper.  This is not a rock concert or a football game.  Forget about the fact that it distracts other audience members and interferes with our enjoyment of the show.  Don't YOU want to hear the show?  If the answer is no, then what are you doing there in the first place?

2.  Eat quietly.

If you MUST eat during the show -like, say, if you don't have enough body fat to stave off starvation for two hours -do so quietly.  If you bring your own wrapped hard candy with you, for the love of all that is good and holy take the wrappers off before you put them in the Zip-Loc bag.  Whatever you do, do not sit there continually crackling candy papers.  I'm telling you this for your own protection because someone sitting in front of you who is less patient than I am might crack and snatch that candy away from you.

3. Let the sneeze go unanswered.

Of course it is okay to sneeze in the theater.  However, it is NOT okay for 7 or 8 other audience members to say "Bless you!" out loud when someone does.  There is an old unwritten theater rule that says that silent blessings are acceptable in the event of a sneeze.  Never heard of that?  Well, maybe I made it up, but it's still a pretty good rule.

4.  Go easy on the perfume.

Some people really are allergic.  Enough said.

5.  Back away from the cell phone.

A big loud voice now reminds you to turn the sound off on your phone at the beginning of every show.  Just do it.  Then put it away.  If you are somebody who absolutely must be available to take a phone call at any time- like a doctor on call or the parent of a teenager who has the car that night - put it on vibrate.

6.   Turn out the lights.

The theater is dark for a reason.  So do NOT use lighted devices - e.g. your cell phone, tablet, or small flashlight - during the show.  Tweet or text  your friends, or check to read about your favorite performer in the program at intermission or after the show.

7.   Leave the baby at home.

By all means, bring your children to age-appropriate shows. Expose them to the joys of good theater and while you're at it take the time to teach them these rules.  That way we will be cultivating the theater audience of the future- one that will hopefully know how to behave while they're there.

However, leave the baby at home.  Because there had been the noise of a crying baby representing the infant Tarzan early in the show, I was momentarily confused when a baby began to cry, thinking it was part of the show.  But Tarzan was now a young boy singing a plaintive song on the river bank, so then I realized it was coming from the audience.  If you must bring the baby to the show, at least take the infant out to the lobby when they are crying.

I'm sure there are more rules, but these just address those transgressions I endured at Tarzan the other night.  Yes, that's right, people in that audience committed every one of these infractions.  Maybe they were raised by apes.