The Tommy Awards

Oh, so many questions with no clear answers.

If the producers of Dancing with the Stars had to have an all-star season, wouldn't it have been more compelling to feature fan favorites, runners up, and legitimate contestants who had never won the coveted mirror ball trophy (instead of nearly half of the contestants being past winners)?  And if every returning contestant couldn't dance with his or her original partner, shouldn't they all have had new partners for the season?

Perhaps the DWTS powers-that-be would have been better off to have had one entertaining awards show to pay recognition to some special achievements (both good and bad) by DWTS contestants, instead of a whole all-star season.  They could call them the Tommy Awards (or the “Tommies”) after DWTS Emmy-award-winning host Tom Bergeron.

Maybe I could get them started. And the Tommies go to….

Best-in-Show Celebrity Contestant

Donny Osmond , the oldest celebrity to win DWTS, was the perfect contestant.  He was a very good dancer and he took the dancing seriously, but did not take himself seriously.  He is one of the nicest and most likable celebrities ever, and not just on the show.  He simply couldn’t lose.

Worst Dancer Ever (TIE)

Master P has the distinction of receiving an 8 out of a possible 30 on one of his dances, the lowest total judges’ score in the history of the show.  And the judges were being generous.

Kate Gosselin, an abysmal dancer, managed to infuriate Tony Dovolani, a typically unflappable and endlessly patient pro partner, so much that he stormed out of one rehearsal in disgust.

Lasted Too Long Awards

Bristol Palin only edges out Jerry Springer, Cloris Leachman and Billy Ray Cyrus in this category because she stayed longer than they did (she was a finalist who came in third).

Least Sympathetic Contestant with a Disability

Former wife of Paul McCartney, Heather Mills is an amputee who was dancing with one prosthetic leg.  She constantly complained about how this made dancing so difficult.  Please, Heather, tell it to Oscar Pistorius, the double amputee who was an Olympian sprint runner.

Best Pairing of Celebrity and Pro Dancer

I have no idea who ever thought to put Kirstie Alley & Maksim Chmerkovskiy together.  Frankly, I thought it was a disaster waiting to happen.  Kirstie is quirky and outspoken, and Maks can be impatient and overbearing.  Somehow, these two are perfect together – veritable BFFs.

Best On-Air Use of a Former Contestant

A sportscaster who was justifiably the first dancer to leave in his season, Kenny Mayne now returns regularly to the show to host the highly entertaining “Dance Center” (a parody of “Sports Center”).

They Were Robbed Awards

In a crowded field of dancers who were voted off before they deserved to go, Sabrina Bryan is the hands-down winner, because she went too soon TWICE – once in her original season and again as an All Star.  Runners up include Stacy Keibler, Laila Ali, Gilles Marini , Mel B, William Levy, and Katherine Jenkins.

Worst Free-Style Dance

Marie Osmond came out dressed like a doll, and it went downhill from there.

Most Inspirational Contestant

War hero and burn victim J.R. Martinez became the most inspirational contestant just by showing up, but then went on to heighten the inspiration by winning his season.

Marlee Matlin was a close second.  She danced very well despite not be able to hear the music, and she did so without complaint. Are you listening to this, Heather?

Best Free Style Dance of All Time

In a tribute to Dirty Dancing and her late, great co-star, Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey came out in her outfit from the beginning of the movie, carrying a watermelon.  She proceeded to dance to “Do You Love Me?” from the show.  Way to choke me up and win the show, Jennifer.

Best Dancer Who Actually Won Their Season

Kristy Yamaguchi was perfection on the dance floor like she was perfection on skates, probably due to that stellar work ethic of hers that Scott Hamilton and Kurt Browning always talked about.

And so that concludes our first-ever Tommy Awards for achievement by Dancing with the Stars celebrity contestants.  Honestly, I don’t why the producers haven’t hired me as a writer yet.